A bit of an addition...

It came to my attention after my last post, in the form of an annoying unknown observer named Joseph, who decided it was OK to come in, insult me, and leave, that some people may have taken some sentiments in the wrong way.

I didn't mean to say or imply in any way that I am closed to any communication about spiritual matters. John and I are both very interested in open minded and heartfelt conversations about religion, philosophy, politics, and just about anything. I love talking about controversial and personal topics. Neither of us have any problems at all with genuine conversations and genuine questions about our beliefs. We don't even have any problems with, and are open to hearing other people's religious convictions.

We *want* community with our family and friends. We *want* open communication and dialogue with all of you. What we *don't* want, is people trying to reconvert us. We don't want people who might have an underlying agenda of "planting a seed", to talk to us about God. If you are genuinely curious about where we are, and want to have an open and honest conversation about God, religion and spirituality, we are all for it. What we don't want is anger, frustration, sadness, pity, bitterness, or anything that would stop you from truly hearing us and understanding us.

We know that a lot of people we love are very concerned for the whereabouts of our souls after we die, and we do not want that to be your main objective in talking to us. I'm sure you all know that we both know very well what the Christian doctrines are, and have both walked with the Lord. This is not a case of never-really-knew or thought-we-were-saved-but-we-didn't-really-know-God. As far as we were concerned, we both loved the Lord with all our hearts, minds, souls, and spirits. If you had asked either of us a few years ago if we ever thought we would not be christians, we would have wholeheartedly said "no!" and I think that those of you who truly know us, know that.

Anyway, again, I didn't mean to imply that we want to cut off communication on the subject. All I meant was to say...please don't try to witness to us. We both have been on the giving end of witnessing for many years, and we can smell it 10 miles away. It isn't what we want, it isn't what we need, and it isn't going to make us believe again.

Love, honesty, compassion and a bit of open mindedness however, just might help us. Also, we both want you all to know that even if you can't hold yourself back and slip into "plant a seed" mode, we will call you out, but we still love you, and we know you can't always help yourselves. We respect that you believe what you believe, and only ask for the same. :D

On the loss of faith and newfound freedom.

Many of my friends and family members have been asking about where I am spiritually. I know it is a confusing thing, my going from missionary girl to whatever I am now. Here is my explanation, and hopefully I can articulate it well enough. This will probably be very long, but it is what it is.

Much of this has to do with John and his journey, and since we are married, our journeys are nearly the same. He and I have many differences; he is logical and I am intuitive, and this is our main difference. But most of the time, it's almost as if we share one mind, one heart. I don't know if most marriages are like that...I think that most people need their personal space from each other, but for us, we are so much better together.

Just to clarify, this did not happen because I was angry at God, or because I wanted something he wouldn't give me or anything ridiculous like that. It happened because my husband and I were seeking Truth. We wanted so desperately to know God, really know him and serve him.

Basically, John had just graduated with his BA in bible and christian ministry or something like that. I don't remember exactly what the degree was. But when he was in his undergrad, he decided to go outside of the bible, and outside of the classroom. He wanted to take on Truth head on. He read counter biblical arguments, biblical criticisms, and the like, because he wanted to know what he was up against. He had firm faith that God and his scriptures were fully Truth, so he held nothing back in his studies. Needless to say, the arguments and proof that he found were difficult to explain away. He continued to have hope, he continued to trust that God would reveal the truth about certain issues, especially when he went to seminary.

We moved to Tennessee so he could go to seminary. I was a little worried about his crisis of faith, but we both had a LOT of hope that things would get cleared up in seminary. John was still trusting the Lord and praying daily with me.

Then one day, it was too much. After coming home from an Old Testament class, he was telling me that he just wasn't able to believe any of it. There was too much evidence against what the bible was saying. Certain stories like the walls of Jericho, couldn't possibly have happened. It just was not possible. There was archeological evidence to the contrary. And if something as amazing as an entire city wall was to just collapse, there would be evidence. And there isn't. So if there are a few things in the bible that aren't true, how do we know if any of it is?

There was a lot of other stuff too, but that is the one part I specifically remember. At first when he told me this devastating news, I was so scared. I had just married and moved across the country with him. We had plans of starting a church and serving together in ministry. What would I do with a husband who was an unbeliever? Had I committed a great sin and married the wrong person? I loved him dearly, but if he is not a christian, how can we be married? I was afraid for my future, and for him. I didn't know what to do. And one night when we were talking in bed, he was in tears over the whole thing. He explained to me that this wasn't his choice. He didn't want to lose his faith. He loved God with his whole heart and only wanted to serve him. But how could he continue serving a God that may or may not be there? Yes, maybe there is a God. But he couldn't trust in the bible. So what could he trust in? Tradition? Sort of, but tradition has some shady things in it's past that you can't firmly trust in. Personal experience? He had had very intimate personal experiences with God...but many people of many faiths, and even within Christianity have had personal experiences with God, and most of them are completely opposite from each other.

It was a huge blow. Here he was, more frightened than he'd ever been, because he'd never been without God. And here I was, just as frightened. Then it occurred to me: maybe my purpose wasn't to be a minister or teacher or missionary or all the things I had wanted to do. Maybe my purpose was to be strong for my husband who would need to count on my faith to get him through this trial. It wasn't my job to worry or complain. It was my job to love him through this.

So I did, the best I could. However, gradually and eventually, I began to change my beliefs as well. Mainly it came in the form of strange biblical passages and learning more about the ancient religions. Did you know that the ancient Hebrews were polytheistic? And that there is a council of gods in the bible? When God appeared to Moses, he told him that he was Yahweh, but that to someone else(his brother or father? I can't quite remember the story just now) he was known as El. It seemed to me that God appeared as different gods. It made me wonder.

Then, what really really did it, was a Chick Tract. It's sort of ironic that something meant to bring people into the Kingdom was actually the final undoing of my hope in Christianity. Anyway, there was this one about Adam and Eve, and Eve sinned. When they sinned, God starting building this brick wall. He hid himself inside this brick cave that he built. He would let some people in, and others were crying standing outside wanting to come in, but God turned away from them. This stunned me. Maybe it was just seeing it illustrated, having the visual for the story. But I just remember thinking how could God be so petty? I realize the doctrinal beliefs about sin and I totally understand the christian thinking behind it. But after seeing that...I just can't believe it anymore. There are so many people in this world who LIVE the fruit of the spirit daily, but who have never heard the name of Jesus before. How can God turn them away because of things that are totally beyond their control?

The thing is, I never really believed that he did. If you have ever read the Chronicles of Narnia, you will know this story: In "The Last Battle", there was a soldier who was fighting for the enemy, the god Tash. He had died and gone on to heaven. Aslan appeared to him. The soldier said something like "How can you take me in? All I've ever done in my life was for Tash. I am a traitor and your enemy" and Aslan replied something like "Although you have done things that you thought were for Tash, they were really for me. Everything you have done was with a pure and loving heart. Tash is not able to receive love or service from a loving and pure heart, just as I am not able to receive from someone with ill motives." That's not exact text, just my paraphrasing.

So I have always had this belief. I have always concluded that God's mercies are beyond our understanding, and that he will judge hearts not by the person's confession of Jesus, but by their motives and understanding.

This, combined with the knowledge of the ancient polytheism, has led me to believe that perhaps, when Jesus came to earth, he came to show us the Father. I think that people for so long had tried to find God. They were polytheistic, creating their own deities. They perhaps knew about God but didn't know what he was like. I think that Jesus may have been God's way of going "You've got it all wrong, guys. *This* is what I am like." Jesus showed us the heart of God. He showed us how to love and be kind, how to be considerate and forgiving. He showed us how to have good relationships and how we can serve God.

But I do not think that a person must know Jesus in order to know God. If a person knows God, then they know God, regardless of knowing the name of Jesus. I realize that this contradicts foundational doctrines about salvation and redemption. But I cannot believe those doctrines anymore. I just can't.

Now, I believe this, but none of my beliefs are set in stone. I will never really know until I die (assuming there is an afterlife, I don't know). But for now, this is something that I can believe in.

I know that some people are scared of what will become of John and I. But please don't be. I am at peace with where we are. In fact, I have so much more freedom, understanding, love and peace now than I ever had as a Christian. I don't have to be scared that I'm ruining God's plan for my life or that I'm hearing him wrong. That is actually a huuuuuge relief! I never really heard God speak to me, and I was always worried that I was doing something wrong. I also have so much freedom to love. I can love people and understand who they are and where they come from without this underlying need to "plant a seed" or "be a witness". My relationships are so much more transparent and non judgmental now. John still worries about death and the afterlife, but me....I have days when I believe and days when I don't. But I figure that if God exists, and if he is loving, then he will receive us because we only did this because we wanted to know him more. We are seeking Truth still, and we always will be.

But please know that neither of us can ever EVER be christians again, at least not the way we were. I cannot believe in biblical inerrancy. I cannot believe in one-way-to-God. But please, please do not be afraid for me. If you believe in God, then trust him to guide us, and leave it at that. Please do not try to reconvert us, because it wont happen.

We just need you to love us and accept us how we are. That is the main thing I have learned from all this. Just love people and accept them how they are. It is such a peaceful way to live.

The harsh truth.

Today I was supposed to see a doctor who specializes in my eye disease. I have this thing called PIC, or Puncate Inner Coroidopathy. It is extremely rare, and there is very little that is known about it. So while we were getting ready to go, the doctor's office called and said that the doctor took one look at my chart and said it was way over his head and I need to see this other guy. So they made an appointment for me, but the soonest I can see him is August 3rd.

I am very glad that there is someone in the area who knows a bit about my problem. But at the same time, I'm nearly dried out from crying. The reason is because John and I were going to start trying to have a baby this summer. But now that my eyes are getting worse, we can't. The drugs used for treatment essentially break down cells, so it stands to reason that they would be disastrous when used while pregnant. Even though there is no research done on how they affect an unborn child, it's just common sense.

I have this fear that I will never be able to have children. Yes, I know, there is always adoption, but what agency would let us adopt? We are broke, financially unstable, we have no religious affiliation, no stable place to live, medical conditions, on the brink of blindness...the list goes on. You could argue that maybe we shouldn't have kids anyway, with problems like that. But I *know* we would be great parents. I just know it. And being a mom is all I've ever ever ever wanted. Despite our hardships, I know we would do a great job raising kids. We talk about it all the time.

What makes it harder is that I am surrounded by babies and pregnant people. I work at a daycare in the infant room. I know about 8 people who are pregnant right now. There is no way to get away from it. And I just don't know what to do in this situation. I can't help but feel sad and feel sorry for myself. But I don't want to. I wish I was a stronger person who could just be happy for everyone. And it's not like I'm not happy for them...it's just that I'm sad for me. Also, it doesn't help that so many people who don't know what the crap they are doing, are able to have kids. It just isn't fair.

And please, if you read this blog, please don't tell me that God has timing or a plan, or any other religious BS. Because I don't want to hear it. If God doesn't think it's a good idea to save children in the 3rd world from human trafficking, then he sure as hell doesn't think it's important enough to intervene in my over privileged life. While I appreciate the prayers and good thoughts from my religious friends, I really don't believe that God is that involved and it doesn't make me feel better to hear that you believe it....it only makes me more angry because you are sucked into thinking things that are probably not true, and trying to pass it on to me as if it's a comfort. Sorry to be a bit harsh about that, but I just thought it would be better to say it before hand than to wait until someone said something about God's timing, because I know I would fly off the handle and probably say something hurtful.

Anyway, I may not ever be able to have children because of this medical condition. John is worried that the crying will put more pressure on my eyes and make them worse. But I just can't stop. I really don't know what to do.

The Eye of the Hurricane.

It recently came to our attention that the financial aid from school that we were counting on this summer is non existent. This has put us in a pickle, because now we don't have money for rent, bills, or food.

The plan now is to sell our car. Our beloved Suzuki, who never even had a proper name. I always name my cars- there was Humphrey, the old Volvo, Satine, the Ford Probe, Matilda, my silver camry, Blueberry, John's blue camry, Fezzik, our beastly dodge in Tennessee. Then, as a timely and much needed gift, came the Suzuki. She got us through our last months in the unbearable Appalachian "mountains", and she drove us across the hills, deserts, and forests, back to the northwest where we belong.

I am very very sad about having to get rid of this car. In some way it feels like a security. Like, if I only have a dependable vehicle, then I wont ever get stuck somewhere. I'll be able to go when I need to go. Maybe I'm depending too much on tangible, material things.

In any case, selling her is the only option at this point. We will use the money we get from the car to pay the fee to get out of our apartment lease 6 months early, and move into a more reasonably priced living arrangement. Moving away from downtown makes me sad, too. I love it here. I love living in walking distance to the Puget Sound, the Pike Place market, Westlake, and a billion coffee shops and restaurants. But, we are looking for a place to live in Wallingford, hopefully also within walking distance to a grocery store, and more than likely coffee shops. I mean, really....it's Seattle. You're hard pressed to find a place within city limits where you aren't within a few blocks of fresh brewed coffee. Also, living in Wallingford will allow me to walk to work, which will be convenient.

The plan is that when we are paying about half of what we pay for rent now, we will be able to save up money pretty quickly for a new car. Well, not a new new one, but one that will do for us. It was fun for a while to live beyond our means and pretend to be middle class. I've never been middle class before, and I'm going to be sad to leave it. Maybe I'll get there again someday.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this lifestyle. I've grown so accustomed to it. I mean, it's not like I'm out shopping and getting manicures every day. Actually I haven't been clothes shopping since I was planning my wedding. So maybe that's something I can do now that we will have a little bit of extra money since it wont all be going towards rent. But still, I am sad to move. I am sad to sell the car. All of this change is giving me anxiety....maybe it's just the constant moving around that I don't like. I haven't been able to unpack...I mean really unpack and settle in...since before I graduated high school. My whole adult life has been living out of a suitcase, and I am so ready to unpack. But even with this move, I wont be able to. We are only looking for a short lease, so that we can move somewhere more permanent soon.

Bah...aren't you supposed to be settled and all that by the time you are 30? I still feel like a child in that I don't really have a career, who knows if we'll ever buy a house, we have no children, we are still in school...I mean really, it's time to grow up. Wait. Maybe that's the reason I'm having such a hard time with all this. We have a real, grown up apartment, and a real, grown up car. Maybe I feel like I'm regressing a bit by all of this. But on the other hand, maybe we are making an adult decision. We are making a responsible choice. We are saving up money for our family's future.

Who cares if we don't have the fanciest place to live or the fanciest car or the fanciest job? I mean for crying out loud, John is going to get a doctorate. None of my friends are married to PhD's. It wont be for a while, but he's working on it. So why am I comparing myself to everyone else just because they have mortgages and car loans?

Come to think of it, I am glad that we are living a simple life. We will be able to teach our children how to live simply and to make a small mark on the environment. We will be able to be pretty much debt free, and use our money for good things rather than making the fat man richer. And I'll still get to enjoy sitting in quiet coffee shops.

But we might need to bum a ride once in a while from friends who are willing. :D

The meaning of the title and other introductions.

Being that this is my first blog entry, I thought I would share about the title of the blog. It is a quote from my favorite author, Madeleine L'engle. I love this woman. She is in heaven now, and whenever I get there, we are going to be best friends, she and I. I just know it.

My husband would probably disagree with the statement in the title, though. In fact, when he saw it he said "....That is a very definite statement. You'll have to be careful what you say so you don't disprove it." or something of that nature. I knew when I chose it that he wouldn't fully agree with it's sentiments. John is a very logical, analytical, rational man. He likes facts. He likes proof. He likes reasons and the rules of debate, and he ALWAYS calls people out when they use a logical fallacy.

I, on the other hand, am an intuitive person. I consider myself intelligent, and I can keep up with debates and logic better than some politicians I've heard. But I tend to let my heart lead, because I know that my intellect will catch up to it. Some people are wired like John, and some are wired like me. I think the reason that he and I are so compatible is because we both have our stronger points, but we don't rule out the rest. He is quite the scholar, but he also cares deeply about people and causes; I let my heart guide me, but I also don't let it fool me into thinking stupid things.

I don't really know why I wanted to start this blog. I guess maybe because I want to let people know what's going on with us. Maybe it's just a place for me to vent. I think the biggest thing is that so much has happened over the last little bit of our lives and it is easier to write it all out for my family and friends to see it, rather than call them each on the phone. Maybe I'm just lazy or feeling a bit hermitish. Yes, I said hermitish. If it wasn't a word before, it is one now.

Hermitish, and lonely. John and I are great friends, and we dearly love to spend time together. But I think something is missing from us...and that thing is community. Since leaving the church, I feel a sense of separation from people. That may be my own fault, because I just don't know what to say to people. Every single person that we have talked to about our spiritual "de-conversion" hasn't really seemed to truly understand. The saddest part of it though, is the loss of that sense of church family, church community. I kind of feel like we are out on our own now, without a group to identify with. We are not athiests. We are not Evangelicals, or Baptists, or any other American brand of the church. We are not Orthodox or Catholic or Episcopalian (although that is the one I would choose, if John could stand Episcopal church services. He thinks they are boring, but I adore them). It is a strange thing, not being able to be a part of a bigger body of people. It's a bit lonely. I mean, I have many friends, but they all feel far away. I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with them, and not for any good reasons. Maybe there is a sense of guilt for not being who I was before. Well, I do feel like the same person, but maybe I feel like people see me as a different person.

Anyway, none of this can be changed unless I choose to change it. But for tonight I think I will just relax, watch a movie, drink a glass of wine, and bake something for John. He bought me flowers today just because he loves me, so I thought I'd return the love with some baked goods.