I am very glad that there is someone in the area who knows a bit about my problem. But at the same time, I'm nearly dried out from crying. The reason is because John and I were going to start trying to have a baby this summer. But now that my eyes are getting worse, we can't. The drugs used for treatment essentially break down cells, so it stands to reason that they would be disastrous when used while pregnant. Even though there is no research done on how they affect an unborn child, it's just common sense.
I have this fear that I will never be able to have children. Yes, I know, there is always adoption, but what agency would let us adopt? We are broke, financially unstable, we have no religious affiliation, no stable place to live, medical conditions, on the brink of blindness...the list goes on. You could argue that maybe we shouldn't have kids anyway, with problems like that. But I *know* we would be great parents. I just know it. And being a mom is all I've ever ever ever wanted. Despite our hardships, I know we would do a great job raising kids. We talk about it all the time.
What makes it harder is that I am surrounded by babies and pregnant people. I work at a daycare in the infant room. I know about 8 people who are pregnant right now. There is no way to get away from it. And I just don't know what to do in this situation. I can't help but feel sad and feel sorry for myself. But I don't want to. I wish I was a stronger person who could just be happy for everyone. And it's not like I'm not happy for them...it's just that I'm sad for me. Also, it doesn't help that so many people who don't know what the crap they are doing, are able to have kids. It just isn't fair.
And please, if you read this blog, please don't tell me that God has timing or a plan, or any other religious BS. Because I don't want to hear it. If God doesn't think it's a good idea to save children in the 3rd world from human trafficking, then he sure as hell doesn't think it's important enough to intervene in my over privileged life. While I appreciate the prayers and good thoughts from my religious friends, I really don't believe that God is that involved and it doesn't make me feel better to hear that you believe it....it only makes me more angry because you are sucked into thinking things that are probably not true, and trying to pass it on to me as if it's a comfort. Sorry to be a bit harsh about that, but I just thought it would be better to say it before hand than to wait until someone said something about God's timing, because I know I would fly off the handle and probably say something hurtful.
Anyway, I may not ever be able to have children because of this medical condition. John is worried that the crying will put more pressure on my eyes and make them worse. But I just can't stop. I really don't know what to do.
