The meaning of the title and other introductions.

Being that this is my first blog entry, I thought I would share about the title of the blog. It is a quote from my favorite author, Madeleine L'engle. I love this woman. She is in heaven now, and whenever I get there, we are going to be best friends, she and I. I just know it.

My husband would probably disagree with the statement in the title, though. In fact, when he saw it he said "....That is a very definite statement. You'll have to be careful what you say so you don't disprove it." or something of that nature. I knew when I chose it that he wouldn't fully agree with it's sentiments. John is a very logical, analytical, rational man. He likes facts. He likes proof. He likes reasons and the rules of debate, and he ALWAYS calls people out when they use a logical fallacy.

I, on the other hand, am an intuitive person. I consider myself intelligent, and I can keep up with debates and logic better than some politicians I've heard. But I tend to let my heart lead, because I know that my intellect will catch up to it. Some people are wired like John, and some are wired like me. I think the reason that he and I are so compatible is because we both have our stronger points, but we don't rule out the rest. He is quite the scholar, but he also cares deeply about people and causes; I let my heart guide me, but I also don't let it fool me into thinking stupid things.

I don't really know why I wanted to start this blog. I guess maybe because I want to let people know what's going on with us. Maybe it's just a place for me to vent. I think the biggest thing is that so much has happened over the last little bit of our lives and it is easier to write it all out for my family and friends to see it, rather than call them each on the phone. Maybe I'm just lazy or feeling a bit hermitish. Yes, I said hermitish. If it wasn't a word before, it is one now.

Hermitish, and lonely. John and I are great friends, and we dearly love to spend time together. But I think something is missing from us...and that thing is community. Since leaving the church, I feel a sense of separation from people. That may be my own fault, because I just don't know what to say to people. Every single person that we have talked to about our spiritual "de-conversion" hasn't really seemed to truly understand. The saddest part of it though, is the loss of that sense of church family, church community. I kind of feel like we are out on our own now, without a group to identify with. We are not athiests. We are not Evangelicals, or Baptists, or any other American brand of the church. We are not Orthodox or Catholic or Episcopalian (although that is the one I would choose, if John could stand Episcopal church services. He thinks they are boring, but I adore them). It is a strange thing, not being able to be a part of a bigger body of people. It's a bit lonely. I mean, I have many friends, but they all feel far away. I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with them, and not for any good reasons. Maybe there is a sense of guilt for not being who I was before. Well, I do feel like the same person, but maybe I feel like people see me as a different person.

Anyway, none of this can be changed unless I choose to change it. But for tonight I think I will just relax, watch a movie, drink a glass of wine, and bake something for John. He bought me flowers today just because he loves me, so I thought I'd return the love with some baked goods.