It recently came to our attention that the financial aid from school that we were counting on this summer is non existent. This has put us in a pickle, because now we don't have money for rent, bills, or food.
The plan now is to sell our car. Our beloved Suzuki, who never even had a proper name. I always name my cars- there was Humphrey, the old Volvo, Satine, the Ford Probe, Matilda, my silver camry, Blueberry, John's blue camry, Fezzik, our beastly dodge in Tennessee. Then, as a timely and much needed gift, came the Suzuki. She got us through our last months in the unbearable Appalachian "mountains", and she drove us across the hills, deserts, and forests, back to the northwest where we belong.
I am very very sad about having to get rid of this car. In some way it feels like a security. Like, if I only have a dependable vehicle, then I wont ever get stuck somewhere. I'll be able to go when I need to go. Maybe I'm depending too much on tangible, material things.
In any case, selling her is the only option at this point. We will use the money we get from the car to pay the fee to get out of our apartment lease 6 months early, and move into a more reasonably priced living arrangement. Moving away from downtown makes me sad, too. I love it here. I love living in walking distance to the Puget Sound, the Pike Place market, Westlake, and a billion coffee shops and restaurants. But, we are looking for a place to live in Wallingford, hopefully also within walking distance to a grocery store, and more than likely coffee shops. I mean, really....it's Seattle. You're hard pressed to find a place within city limits where you aren't within a few blocks of fresh brewed coffee. Also, living in Wallingford will allow me to walk to work, which will be convenient.
The plan is that when we are paying about half of what we pay for rent now, we will be able to save up money pretty quickly for a new car. Well, not a new new one, but one that will do for us. It was fun for a while to live beyond our means and pretend to be middle class. I've never been middle class before, and I'm going to be sad to leave it. Maybe I'll get there again someday.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this lifestyle. I've grown so accustomed to it. I mean, it's not like I'm out shopping and getting manicures every day. Actually I haven't been clothes shopping since I was planning my wedding. So maybe that's something I can do now that we will have a little bit of extra money since it wont all be going towards rent. But still, I am sad to move. I am sad to sell the car. All of this change is giving me anxiety....maybe it's just the constant moving around that I don't like. I haven't been able to unpack...I mean really unpack and settle in...since before I graduated high school. My whole adult life has been living out of a suitcase, and I am so ready to unpack. But even with this move, I wont be able to. We are only looking for a short lease, so that we can move somewhere more permanent soon.
Bah...aren't you supposed to be settled and all that by the time you are 30? I still feel like a child in that I don't really have a career, who knows if we'll ever buy a house, we have no children, we are still in school...I mean really, it's time to grow up. Wait. Maybe that's the reason I'm having such a hard time with all this. We have a real, grown up apartment, and a real, grown up car. Maybe I feel like I'm regressing a bit by all of this. But on the other hand, maybe we are making an adult decision. We are making a responsible choice. We are saving up money for our family's future.
Who cares if we don't have the fanciest place to live or the fanciest car or the fanciest job? I mean for crying out loud, John is going to get a doctorate. None of my friends are married to PhD's. It wont be for a while, but he's working on it. So why am I comparing myself to everyone else just because they have mortgages and car loans?
Come to think of it, I am glad that we are living a simple life. We will be able to teach our children how to live simply and to make a small mark on the environment. We will be able to be pretty much debt free, and use our money for good things rather than making the fat man richer. And I'll still get to enjoy sitting in quiet coffee shops.
But we might need to bum a ride once in a while from friends who are willing. :D
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
The meaning of the title and other introductions.
Being that this is my first blog entry, I thought I would share about the title of the blog. It is a quote from my favorite author, Madeleine L'engle. I love this woman. She is in heaven now, and whenever I get there, we are going to be best friends, she and I. I just know it.
My husband would probably disagree with the statement in the title, though. In fact, when he saw it he said "....That is a very definite statement. You'll have to be careful what you say so you don't disprove it." or something of that nature. I knew when I chose it that he wouldn't fully agree with it's sentiments. John is a very logical, analytical, rational man. He likes facts. He likes proof. He likes reasons and the rules of debate, and he ALWAYS calls people out when they use a logical fallacy.
I, on the other hand, am an intuitive person. I consider myself intelligent, and I can keep up with debates and logic better than some politicians I've heard. But I tend to let my heart lead, because I know that my intellect will catch up to it. Some people are wired like John, and some are wired like me. I think the reason that he and I are so compatible is because we both have our stronger points, but we don't rule out the rest. He is quite the scholar, but he also cares deeply about people and causes; I let my heart guide me, but I also don't let it fool me into thinking stupid things.
I don't really know why I wanted to start this blog. I guess maybe because I want to let people know what's going on with us. Maybe it's just a place for me to vent. I think the biggest thing is that so much has happened over the last little bit of our lives and it is easier to write it all out for my family and friends to see it, rather than call them each on the phone. Maybe I'm just lazy or feeling a bit hermitish. Yes, I said hermitish. If it wasn't a word before, it is one now.
Hermitish, and lonely. John and I are great friends, and we dearly love to spend time together. But I think something is missing from us...and that thing is community. Since leaving the church, I feel a sense of separation from people. That may be my own fault, because I just don't know what to say to people. Every single person that we have talked to about our spiritual "de-conversion" hasn't really seemed to truly understand. The saddest part of it though, is the loss of that sense of church family, church community. I kind of feel like we are out on our own now, without a group to identify with. We are not athiests. We are not Evangelicals, or Baptists, or any other American brand of the church. We are not Orthodox or Catholic or Episcopalian (although that is the one I would choose, if John could stand Episcopal church services. He thinks they are boring, but I adore them). It is a strange thing, not being able to be a part of a bigger body of people. It's a bit lonely. I mean, I have many friends, but they all feel far away. I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with them, and not for any good reasons. Maybe there is a sense of guilt for not being who I was before. Well, I do feel like the same person, but maybe I feel like people see me as a different person.
Anyway, none of this can be changed unless I choose to change it. But for tonight I think I will just relax, watch a movie, drink a glass of wine, and bake something for John. He bought me flowers today just because he loves me, so I thought I'd return the love with some baked goods.
My husband would probably disagree with the statement in the title, though. In fact, when he saw it he said "....That is a very definite statement. You'll have to be careful what you say so you don't disprove it." or something of that nature. I knew when I chose it that he wouldn't fully agree with it's sentiments. John is a very logical, analytical, rational man. He likes facts. He likes proof. He likes reasons and the rules of debate, and he ALWAYS calls people out when they use a logical fallacy.
I, on the other hand, am an intuitive person. I consider myself intelligent, and I can keep up with debates and logic better than some politicians I've heard. But I tend to let my heart lead, because I know that my intellect will catch up to it. Some people are wired like John, and some are wired like me. I think the reason that he and I are so compatible is because we both have our stronger points, but we don't rule out the rest. He is quite the scholar, but he also cares deeply about people and causes; I let my heart guide me, but I also don't let it fool me into thinking stupid things.
I don't really know why I wanted to start this blog. I guess maybe because I want to let people know what's going on with us. Maybe it's just a place for me to vent. I think the biggest thing is that so much has happened over the last little bit of our lives and it is easier to write it all out for my family and friends to see it, rather than call them each on the phone. Maybe I'm just lazy or feeling a bit hermitish. Yes, I said hermitish. If it wasn't a word before, it is one now.
Hermitish, and lonely. John and I are great friends, and we dearly love to spend time together. But I think something is missing from us...and that thing is community. Since leaving the church, I feel a sense of separation from people. That may be my own fault, because I just don't know what to say to people. Every single person that we have talked to about our spiritual "de-conversion" hasn't really seemed to truly understand. The saddest part of it though, is the loss of that sense of church family, church community. I kind of feel like we are out on our own now, without a group to identify with. We are not athiests. We are not Evangelicals, or Baptists, or any other American brand of the church. We are not Orthodox or Catholic or Episcopalian (although that is the one I would choose, if John could stand Episcopal church services. He thinks they are boring, but I adore them). It is a strange thing, not being able to be a part of a bigger body of people. It's a bit lonely. I mean, I have many friends, but they all feel far away. I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with them, and not for any good reasons. Maybe there is a sense of guilt for not being who I was before. Well, I do feel like the same person, but maybe I feel like people see me as a different person.
Anyway, none of this can be changed unless I choose to change it. But for tonight I think I will just relax, watch a movie, drink a glass of wine, and bake something for John. He bought me flowers today just because he loves me, so I thought I'd return the love with some baked goods.
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