On the loss of faith and newfound freedom.

Many of my friends and family members have been asking about where I am spiritually. I know it is a confusing thing, my going from missionary girl to whatever I am now. Here is my explanation, and hopefully I can articulate it well enough. This will probably be very long, but it is what it is.

Much of this has to do with John and his journey, and since we are married, our journeys are nearly the same. He and I have many differences; he is logical and I am intuitive, and this is our main difference. But most of the time, it's almost as if we share one mind, one heart. I don't know if most marriages are like that...I think that most people need their personal space from each other, but for us, we are so much better together.

Just to clarify, this did not happen because I was angry at God, or because I wanted something he wouldn't give me or anything ridiculous like that. It happened because my husband and I were seeking Truth. We wanted so desperately to know God, really know him and serve him.

Basically, John had just graduated with his BA in bible and christian ministry or something like that. I don't remember exactly what the degree was. But when he was in his undergrad, he decided to go outside of the bible, and outside of the classroom. He wanted to take on Truth head on. He read counter biblical arguments, biblical criticisms, and the like, because he wanted to know what he was up against. He had firm faith that God and his scriptures were fully Truth, so he held nothing back in his studies. Needless to say, the arguments and proof that he found were difficult to explain away. He continued to have hope, he continued to trust that God would reveal the truth about certain issues, especially when he went to seminary.

We moved to Tennessee so he could go to seminary. I was a little worried about his crisis of faith, but we both had a LOT of hope that things would get cleared up in seminary. John was still trusting the Lord and praying daily with me.

Then one day, it was too much. After coming home from an Old Testament class, he was telling me that he just wasn't able to believe any of it. There was too much evidence against what the bible was saying. Certain stories like the walls of Jericho, couldn't possibly have happened. It just was not possible. There was archeological evidence to the contrary. And if something as amazing as an entire city wall was to just collapse, there would be evidence. And there isn't. So if there are a few things in the bible that aren't true, how do we know if any of it is?

There was a lot of other stuff too, but that is the one part I specifically remember. At first when he told me this devastating news, I was so scared. I had just married and moved across the country with him. We had plans of starting a church and serving together in ministry. What would I do with a husband who was an unbeliever? Had I committed a great sin and married the wrong person? I loved him dearly, but if he is not a christian, how can we be married? I was afraid for my future, and for him. I didn't know what to do. And one night when we were talking in bed, he was in tears over the whole thing. He explained to me that this wasn't his choice. He didn't want to lose his faith. He loved God with his whole heart and only wanted to serve him. But how could he continue serving a God that may or may not be there? Yes, maybe there is a God. But he couldn't trust in the bible. So what could he trust in? Tradition? Sort of, but tradition has some shady things in it's past that you can't firmly trust in. Personal experience? He had had very intimate personal experiences with God...but many people of many faiths, and even within Christianity have had personal experiences with God, and most of them are completely opposite from each other.

It was a huge blow. Here he was, more frightened than he'd ever been, because he'd never been without God. And here I was, just as frightened. Then it occurred to me: maybe my purpose wasn't to be a minister or teacher or missionary or all the things I had wanted to do. Maybe my purpose was to be strong for my husband who would need to count on my faith to get him through this trial. It wasn't my job to worry or complain. It was my job to love him through this.

So I did, the best I could. However, gradually and eventually, I began to change my beliefs as well. Mainly it came in the form of strange biblical passages and learning more about the ancient religions. Did you know that the ancient Hebrews were polytheistic? And that there is a council of gods in the bible? When God appeared to Moses, he told him that he was Yahweh, but that to someone else(his brother or father? I can't quite remember the story just now) he was known as El. It seemed to me that God appeared as different gods. It made me wonder.

Then, what really really did it, was a Chick Tract. It's sort of ironic that something meant to bring people into the Kingdom was actually the final undoing of my hope in Christianity. Anyway, there was this one about Adam and Eve, and Eve sinned. When they sinned, God starting building this brick wall. He hid himself inside this brick cave that he built. He would let some people in, and others were crying standing outside wanting to come in, but God turned away from them. This stunned me. Maybe it was just seeing it illustrated, having the visual for the story. But I just remember thinking how could God be so petty? I realize the doctrinal beliefs about sin and I totally understand the christian thinking behind it. But after seeing that...I just can't believe it anymore. There are so many people in this world who LIVE the fruit of the spirit daily, but who have never heard the name of Jesus before. How can God turn them away because of things that are totally beyond their control?

The thing is, I never really believed that he did. If you have ever read the Chronicles of Narnia, you will know this story: In "The Last Battle", there was a soldier who was fighting for the enemy, the god Tash. He had died and gone on to heaven. Aslan appeared to him. The soldier said something like "How can you take me in? All I've ever done in my life was for Tash. I am a traitor and your enemy" and Aslan replied something like "Although you have done things that you thought were for Tash, they were really for me. Everything you have done was with a pure and loving heart. Tash is not able to receive love or service from a loving and pure heart, just as I am not able to receive from someone with ill motives." That's not exact text, just my paraphrasing.

So I have always had this belief. I have always concluded that God's mercies are beyond our understanding, and that he will judge hearts not by the person's confession of Jesus, but by their motives and understanding.

This, combined with the knowledge of the ancient polytheism, has led me to believe that perhaps, when Jesus came to earth, he came to show us the Father. I think that people for so long had tried to find God. They were polytheistic, creating their own deities. They perhaps knew about God but didn't know what he was like. I think that Jesus may have been God's way of going "You've got it all wrong, guys. *This* is what I am like." Jesus showed us the heart of God. He showed us how to love and be kind, how to be considerate and forgiving. He showed us how to have good relationships and how we can serve God.

But I do not think that a person must know Jesus in order to know God. If a person knows God, then they know God, regardless of knowing the name of Jesus. I realize that this contradicts foundational doctrines about salvation and redemption. But I cannot believe those doctrines anymore. I just can't.

Now, I believe this, but none of my beliefs are set in stone. I will never really know until I die (assuming there is an afterlife, I don't know). But for now, this is something that I can believe in.

I know that some people are scared of what will become of John and I. But please don't be. I am at peace with where we are. In fact, I have so much more freedom, understanding, love and peace now than I ever had as a Christian. I don't have to be scared that I'm ruining God's plan for my life or that I'm hearing him wrong. That is actually a huuuuuge relief! I never really heard God speak to me, and I was always worried that I was doing something wrong. I also have so much freedom to love. I can love people and understand who they are and where they come from without this underlying need to "plant a seed" or "be a witness". My relationships are so much more transparent and non judgmental now. John still worries about death and the afterlife, but me....I have days when I believe and days when I don't. But I figure that if God exists, and if he is loving, then he will receive us because we only did this because we wanted to know him more. We are seeking Truth still, and we always will be.

But please know that neither of us can ever EVER be christians again, at least not the way we were. I cannot believe in biblical inerrancy. I cannot believe in one-way-to-God. But please, please do not be afraid for me. If you believe in God, then trust him to guide us, and leave it at that. Please do not try to reconvert us, because it wont happen.

We just need you to love us and accept us how we are. That is the main thing I have learned from all this. Just love people and accept them how they are. It is such a peaceful way to live.