I just have a few things I need to get off my chest. My blog has been very neglected since, well, since I first started it. But I guess I'll try to keep up with it more. It's just that not a lot really happens, so there doesn't seem to be a lot to write about.
The name of my blog doesn't really fit me anymore, but I'm going to keep it anyway. I've been surrounding myself with people in the skeptics community, who are scientifically minded, and it's really nice to be around educated, intelligent people who really understand the way the world works. It's a dramatic change from where I come from, where everything is explained by some kind of supernatural thing. But even though I'm a bit more scientifically minded now, I don't want to forget that part of me, which I still refer to as my soul even though I don't believe in souls or spirits. It's the human spirit, that part of me that has wonder and mystery, and that part of the earth and the universe that still is shrouded in a cloud of something mysterious. There is a beauty there, something intangible, and I don't want to forget about it. I'm sure that someday science will discover everything, and there will be no more secrets. We'll know exactly why people turn to religion and storytelling and mysticism for comfort and hope, and why people feel connected to one another across oceans and throughout time and space. But for now, we can only really speculate on some things, and I kind of like it that way. So I'm keeping my blog name.
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is social media. I'm not on twitter or instagram or tumbler or whatever else is out there. I do spend a lot of time on facebook though. My family and many friends live far away from me, and facebook is a fantastic way of keeping in touch with them. We can keep up with the day to day in our lives. We can share struggles and joys. It's also a place where people post silly random cat photos, updates on their kids and pets, jobs, illnesses, and all kinds of things. People also post memes, photos, news articles, or statements about their religious or political beliefs. And this is where the trouble starts.
I find myself feeling frustrated to the point of punching babies when I see people posting ridiculous religious or republican propaganda. I used to really let it get to me. But now, I just hide the post, or filter what I can see from those people. I don't want to discount an entire person who I like or even love, just because of one viewpoint they have that I disagree with them on. That's not tolerant behavior, and that's not love or friendship.
I know that some of the things I post probably make some of my friends angry or irritated. There are certain topics that I just wont talk about on facebook, like abortion, because it's a very sensitive topic, and I don't want to trigger anyone if they have past experience with it or something like that. I may comment on someone else's post about it, but I wont post anything about it on my own wall. But there are certain things that I do post about, like gay rights or gun control. I'm sure that some of my readers don't like my opinions about it. I expect that. We don't all agree with everything about each other.
I've recently noticed that some people who I thought I was friends with, have unfriended me on facebook. Because they don't like my views on something. I don't even know what that thing is, because rather than talking to me about it, they just decided to stop being my friend. At least on facebook. But by removing me from facebook, you're telling me that because of one or two things you don't like about me, you're discounting my whole person. You don't want to hear or read anything I have to say, you don't want me to be a part of things you post about your life, your own struggles and joys. And you don't want to hear mine. You are discounting and dismissing me as an entire person, instead of just those things about me that you don't like.
This isn't rational or healthy behavior. This is reactionary, and emotive, and not conducive to friendships. By removing me from facebook, these people are telling me that they don't want to be a part of my life, and they don't want me to be a part of theirs. How can you want to be friends with someone in real life, in person, if you can't even stand being friends with them on facebook? It puts me in a very awkward position. I don't like not being liked. I take it to heart. I was literally heartbroken yesterday over this, and I cried and cried about it. I would love to be friends with these people, but I don't know how to be friends with people who don't like me.
John asked me how I'm feeling today, and I told him I feel guarded, and I don't feel like I want to share any part of myself with my friends. I realize that these feelings are just *me* being reactive and emotive. So instead of acting on these unhealthy emotions, I want to work through them. I'm writing this blog to share with anyone who reads it (which probably wont be very many people, cause I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway...it's really just a place for me to vent). I know it isn't healthy to shut down and be insecure and internalize other people's problems. So instead, I'm doing something pro-active and healthy. This is me, doing something against my nature (wanting to just shut down and not talk to people because I'm worried that they will stop liking me once they get to know me), and doing something healthy instead (opening up, being vulnerable).
I realize that I have strong opinions that aren't always popular ones. If I offend you in any way, please just talk to me about it. Even through my viewpoints and opinions, I understand that other people don't think like me, and I don't judge them for it. For example, I am anti-gun, pro-gun control, but if you love guns, I'm not going to hate you or think you're a bad person. Just talk to me. Say "hey, that thing you said, this is what I believe about it, or this is something about it you should think about" or something like that. I will listen to you, because you are my friend and I care about you.
That's not to say that I haven't had to remove people from my own facebook list. But those are only people that I don't ever see in person, who live far away and I've either never met them for real, or I don't plan on it. People who aren't really friends. If there was someone I didn't like enough to remove them from facebook, then I wouldn't want to be friends with them in real life either. I think this is why it's so upsetting to me- because the way I see it, these people don't want to be my friend for real. And that breaks my heart.
I'm going to share this blog post with those people (there's more than one, so if I share this with you, I don't want you feeling put on the spot, and I'm not going to be talking about this with anyone who knows you), because I want them to know how I feel. I want open lines of communication, and if I am wrong in my assumptions, then hopefully they will let me know. I'd love to continue being friends, but I do feel guarded, and I'm honestly not sure if I can truly be friends with people who can be that intolerant of me.
Just know that I would never, ever want to hurt my friends. That's not the kind of person I am.
