The Eye of the Hurricane.

It recently came to our attention that the financial aid from school that we were counting on this summer is non existent. This has put us in a pickle, because now we don't have money for rent, bills, or food.

The plan now is to sell our car. Our beloved Suzuki, who never even had a proper name. I always name my cars- there was Humphrey, the old Volvo, Satine, the Ford Probe, Matilda, my silver camry, Blueberry, John's blue camry, Fezzik, our beastly dodge in Tennessee. Then, as a timely and much needed gift, came the Suzuki. She got us through our last months in the unbearable Appalachian "mountains", and she drove us across the hills, deserts, and forests, back to the northwest where we belong.

I am very very sad about having to get rid of this car. In some way it feels like a security. Like, if I only have a dependable vehicle, then I wont ever get stuck somewhere. I'll be able to go when I need to go. Maybe I'm depending too much on tangible, material things.

In any case, selling her is the only option at this point. We will use the money we get from the car to pay the fee to get out of our apartment lease 6 months early, and move into a more reasonably priced living arrangement. Moving away from downtown makes me sad, too. I love it here. I love living in walking distance to the Puget Sound, the Pike Place market, Westlake, and a billion coffee shops and restaurants. But, we are looking for a place to live in Wallingford, hopefully also within walking distance to a grocery store, and more than likely coffee shops. I mean, really....it's Seattle. You're hard pressed to find a place within city limits where you aren't within a few blocks of fresh brewed coffee. Also, living in Wallingford will allow me to walk to work, which will be convenient.

The plan is that when we are paying about half of what we pay for rent now, we will be able to save up money pretty quickly for a new car. Well, not a new new one, but one that will do for us. It was fun for a while to live beyond our means and pretend to be middle class. I've never been middle class before, and I'm going to be sad to leave it. Maybe I'll get there again someday.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this lifestyle. I've grown so accustomed to it. I mean, it's not like I'm out shopping and getting manicures every day. Actually I haven't been clothes shopping since I was planning my wedding. So maybe that's something I can do now that we will have a little bit of extra money since it wont all be going towards rent. But still, I am sad to move. I am sad to sell the car. All of this change is giving me anxiety....maybe it's just the constant moving around that I don't like. I haven't been able to unpack...I mean really unpack and settle in...since before I graduated high school. My whole adult life has been living out of a suitcase, and I am so ready to unpack. But even with this move, I wont be able to. We are only looking for a short lease, so that we can move somewhere more permanent soon.

Bah...aren't you supposed to be settled and all that by the time you are 30? I still feel like a child in that I don't really have a career, who knows if we'll ever buy a house, we have no children, we are still in school...I mean really, it's time to grow up. Wait. Maybe that's the reason I'm having such a hard time with all this. We have a real, grown up apartment, and a real, grown up car. Maybe I feel like I'm regressing a bit by all of this. But on the other hand, maybe we are making an adult decision. We are making a responsible choice. We are saving up money for our family's future.

Who cares if we don't have the fanciest place to live or the fanciest car or the fanciest job? I mean for crying out loud, John is going to get a doctorate. None of my friends are married to PhD's. It wont be for a while, but he's working on it. So why am I comparing myself to everyone else just because they have mortgages and car loans?

Come to think of it, I am glad that we are living a simple life. We will be able to teach our children how to live simply and to make a small mark on the environment. We will be able to be pretty much debt free, and use our money for good things rather than making the fat man richer. And I'll still get to enjoy sitting in quiet coffee shops.

But we might need to bum a ride once in a while from friends who are willing. :D