I remember being about 10 years old and thinking to myself "someday I'll be organized and have a clean room". All through my teen years and my 20s, I told myself "someday I'll be thin". And here I am, 30, almost 31 years old, 20+ lbs overweight, with a disorganized life. Every part of my life is messy. From my emotions, down to the contents of my handbag. But I've finally decided that it's time for a change.
I want to give myself credit, though, even though it's my inclination to dismiss anything good that I do: over the last year, I have lost 30 pounds of excess weight. I've grown a bit more confident, and I'm fitting into clothes that I haven't ever been able to. I've gained some self control with my eating habits, not to mention my lifestyle habits. I like to be active now. I'm sad when I don't get out of the house and breathe fresh air every day. I've also made incredible progress in controlling my emotions. I think that the time spent with my sister living with us helped me quite a bit with that. I know that I can be a strong, capable person when other people's lives are at stake-but now I need to be strong and capable when it comes to my own life.
So it's recently occurred to me, as I've been reflecting on the past 30 years, and looking ahead to the next 30, that I need to make more changes. Scarier changes. More difficult changes.
It's time to purge, I think. We've just recently moved in with my mom, in order to save some money while we try to purchase a home. The bedroom we live in is so cluttered. We've been here for a couple of weeks, and I still have clothes in suitcases, and haven't put things away. It's time to get rid of stuff. Clothes that don't fit or that I don't like are going to Goodwill. Things I don't use are going away. Food I don't eat is getting thrown out.
I'm going to stop spending time on Facebook. The amount of bible verses being thrown around, the prayer requests for ridiculous things, and the general amount of garbage and news that makes me cringe, are just not good for my soul. I'm sorry if this applies to any of you reading this-but my heart just cannot take it anymore. I have to purge people from my friends on Facebook, because I just can't handle reading certain things.
Which brings me to another point: my friends. Since I've been quite vocal about my crisis of faith, and since moving back home from Tennessee, I've barely seen any of my friends. This has a lot to do with my own lack of communication, I realize. I've been sort of apprehensive about calling or hanging out with people, because I feel strange. I feel (and this is probably my own imagination more than what may be reality) that many of my friends don't understand what has been going on with my spiritually. Since my spiritual life was such a huge connection between me and most of my social circles, I've got it in my head that most people just don't want to be my friend anymore. They think I'm some kind of angry atheist, when I'm not. Yes, a lot about Christianity makes me angry, but I don't hate it. I'm not closed to it, and in fact, I'm trying desperately to hang onto any remnants of it that I can.
To be perfectly honest, I'm lonely. I miss having a circle of support. I miss having deep and personal friendships with other ladies. I feel abandoned.
John and I support one another, but neither of us have anyone outside of our marriage to talk to, confide in, or just plain have fun with. How do you make friends when you don't go to church? We have no idea. And it's disheartening.
So, this is my plan to make my 30s better: first thing, is to finally declutter. I think that my environment must come first. Clean up where I'm living, give myself a place to feel comfortable. Also, get rid of the last 20 lbs that I need to lose. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to be 35 or 40 years old and wishing I had just done it when I was 30. Also, find friends or reconnect with old friends who still want to be my friend. If that's you, please don't be shy about calling or writing to me. I'm quite vulnerable (when have I ever not been?) and I'm honestly not really sure how to go about reconnecting. I need help in this area, and in all areas of my life. Just because I'm not a christian anymore doesn't mean I'm not still the same me I've always been.
I'm also going to stop being afraid of my body and my sexuality. I'm learning bellydancing of all things! I've always been afraid of any kind of dancing, any kind of being sexy, because I've always been taught that It's wrong. What a lie! Being sexy is not a sin, whether you are married or single. This is such a scary concept to me, and even writing this is frightening to me, in case any of my parents or basically anyone I know reads it. I've oppressed my sexuality for so long, and it's made me horrifically fearful in so many areas of my life. But I'm DONE. I'm done having some kind of imaginary, outdated, patriarchal standard dictating my life and behavior. I'm finally FREE, or at least taking the first steps to become free.
So here's to a new beginning, a new chapter, where I'm not afraid of my body, my competencies, or my intelligence. Where I finally get things in order and do things I've always wanted to without being afraid. Here's to the me I've always wanted to be, but have been afraid of. If you want to be a part of it, or if you want support in becoming the you you want to be, we can do it together. We'll be fearless together.
No comments:
Post a Comment