This is me, trying to be healthy.

I just have a few things I need to get off my chest.  My blog has been very neglected since, well, since I first started it.  But I guess I'll try to keep up with it more.  It's just that not a lot really happens, so there doesn't seem to be a lot to write about.

The name of my blog doesn't really fit me anymore, but I'm going to keep it anyway.  I've been surrounding myself with people in the skeptics community, who are scientifically minded, and it's really nice to be around educated, intelligent people who really understand the way the world works.  It's a dramatic change from where I come from, where everything is explained by some kind of supernatural thing.  But even though I'm a bit more scientifically minded now, I don't want to forget that part of me, which I still refer to as my soul even though I don't believe in souls or spirits.  It's the human spirit, that part of me that has wonder and mystery, and that part of the earth and the universe that still is shrouded in a cloud of something mysterious.  There is a beauty there, something intangible, and I don't want to forget about it.  I'm sure that someday science will discover everything, and there will be no more secrets.  We'll know exactly why people turn to religion and storytelling and mysticism for comfort and hope, and why people feel connected to one another across oceans and throughout time and space.  But for now, we can only really speculate on some things, and I kind of like it that way.  So I'm keeping my blog name.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is social media.  I'm not on twitter or instagram or tumbler or whatever else is out there.  I do spend a lot of time on facebook though.  My family and many friends live far away from me, and facebook is a fantastic way of keeping in touch with them.  We can keep up with the day to day in our lives.  We can share struggles and joys.  It's also a place where people post silly random cat photos, updates on their kids and pets, jobs, illnesses, and all kinds of things.  People also post memes, photos, news articles, or statements about their religious or political beliefs.  And this is where the trouble starts.

I find myself feeling frustrated to the point of punching babies when I see people posting ridiculous religious or republican propaganda.  I used to really let it get to me.  But now, I just hide the post, or filter what I can see from those people.  I don't want to discount an entire person who I like or even love, just because of one viewpoint they have that I disagree with them on.  That's not tolerant behavior, and that's not love or friendship.

I know that some of the things I post probably make some of my friends angry or irritated.  There are certain topics that I just wont talk about on facebook, like abortion, because it's a very sensitive topic, and I don't want to trigger anyone if they have past experience with it or something like that.  I may comment on someone else's post about it, but I wont post anything about it on my own wall.  But there are certain things that I do post about, like gay rights or gun control.  I'm sure that some of my readers don't like my opinions about it.  I expect that.  We don't all agree with everything about each other. 

I've recently noticed that some people who I thought I was friends with, have unfriended me on facebook.  Because they don't like my views on something.  I don't even know what that thing is, because rather than talking to me about it, they just decided to stop being my friend.  At least on facebook.  But by removing me from facebook, you're telling me that because of one or two things you don't like about me, you're discounting my whole person.  You don't want to hear or read anything I have to say, you don't want me to be a part of things you post about your life, your own struggles and joys.  And you don't want to hear mine.  You are discounting and dismissing me as an entire person, instead of just those things about me that you don't like.

This isn't rational or healthy behavior.  This is reactionary, and emotive, and not conducive to friendships.  By removing me from facebook, these people are telling me that they don't want to be a part of my life, and they don't want me to be a part of theirs.  How can you want to be friends with someone in real life, in person, if you can't even stand being friends with them on facebook?  It puts me in a very awkward position.  I don't like not being liked.  I take it to heart.  I was literally heartbroken yesterday over this, and I cried and cried about it.  I would love to be friends with these people, but I don't know how to be friends with people who don't like me.

John asked me how I'm feeling today, and I told him I feel guarded, and I don't feel like I want to share any part of myself with my friends.  I realize that these feelings are just *me* being reactive and emotive.  So instead of acting on these unhealthy emotions, I want to work through them.  I'm writing this blog to share with anyone who reads it (which probably wont be very many people, cause I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway...it's really just a place for me to vent).  I know it isn't healthy to shut down and be insecure and internalize other people's problems.  So instead, I'm doing something pro-active and healthy.  This is me, doing something against my nature (wanting to just shut down and not talk to people because I'm worried that they will stop liking me once they get to know me), and doing something healthy instead (opening up, being vulnerable).

I realize that I have strong opinions that aren't always popular ones.  If I offend you in any way, please just talk to me about it.  Even through my viewpoints and opinions, I understand that other people don't think like me, and I don't judge them for it.  For example, I am anti-gun, pro-gun control, but if you love guns, I'm not going to hate you or think you're a bad person.  Just talk to me.  Say "hey, that thing you said, this is what I believe about it, or this is something about it you should think about" or something like that.  I will listen to you, because you are my friend and I care about you.

That's not to say that I haven't had to remove people from my own facebook list.  But those are only people that I don't ever see in person, who live far away and I've either never met them for real, or I don't plan on it.  People who aren't really friends.  If there was someone I didn't like enough to remove them from facebook, then I wouldn't want to be friends with them in real life either.  I think this is why it's so upsetting to me- because the way I see it, these people don't want to be my friend for real.  And that breaks my heart.

I'm going to share this blog post with those people (there's more than one, so if I share this with you, I don't want you feeling put on the spot, and I'm not going to be talking about this with anyone who knows you), because I want them to know how I feel.  I want open lines of communication, and if I am wrong in my assumptions, then hopefully they will let me know.  I'd love to continue being friends, but I do feel guarded, and I'm honestly not sure if I can truly be friends with people who can be that intolerant of me.

Just know that I would never, ever want to hurt my friends.  That's not the kind of person I am.

What I'm Up To

I really haven't been writing.  I'm terrible at getting around to it.  So this is what's been going on in the Kelly household lately.

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!  Actually, most everyone we know, already knows that.  The circumstances and reasons that led to our ability to buy a house outright, with cash, were pretty awful.  My father-in-law passed away in May 2010.  About a year ago, or maybe a little less, John inherited some money from his father's estate, as did his 4 siblings.  We wanted to do something responsible with the money.  We thought about paying off some debt, but really the only big debt we have are student loans, which will be well into the 6 figure range by the time we're both done with school, so we didn't see any point to putting the money there (it would have been gobbled up with very little dent made in the debt).  So we decided to put it into a house.  At first we figured that we would have to get a bank loan, so we did some work on our credit score and got it up a little.  But THEN we found a house in Bremerton that was on the market for only $22,000.  Actually, it was more than that when we first saw it, but the bank lowered the price a LOT.  So we jumped on it, paid the man, and here we are.  It's definitely a fixer-upper, but it's ours.  No more rent, no mortgage, and complete and utter grown-up responsibility.  It's fabulous.

This was our house at Halloween.  As soon as possible, I'm getting rid of that chain-link fence, but I guess it worked for making it look a bit spookier.  The tape on the fence says "Caution: Zombie Zone".

We also have a cat.  His name is Henri (pronounced the French way because he's so fancy).  He came from our friend Dana, who I lived with in Beaverton before I got married.  He's been a fantastic addition to our family.  He's super sweet and cuddly, which we love, but he's also really loud, which makes us laugh.  He makes this sound more like a "murt" than a "meow" so we often call him Murt instead of his real name.  But he's been great for us, and we love having him around.  He's also beautiful!

Bonjour, Henri!

We're also both still in school.  I had a stint of wanting to be a Washington State historian (which I still might do someday), but have gone back to the Family Life Education route.  Right now, we can't afford for me to go to a university, only community college.  So I'll get my AAS (that's associate of applied science) degree, in a specific field that I love and am good at, and work for a while, and possibly go back and get a BA later on in life.  John took a quarter off of school (after about 8 years straight of school, he deserved and needed a break!), but now he's back in it.  That man could have a doctorate by now if it wasn't for stupid ADHD.  It's a bit of a hindrance and makes it difficult to get assignments in on time.  We are going to look into seeing if he can get some medication to help it, but as we are part of the uninsured masses of this country, I'm not sure if it's attainable or affordable.  But we'll see.  Until then, he's plugging away, and doing really well this quarter.  I'm also enjoying my classes, but I'm only a week into my quarter, so we'll see how long my enjoyment lasts.

We've been able to meet some people and make some friends out here in Kitsap County, as well.  We've joined a few meetups: John and I are both part of an atheist/agnostics and skeptics meetup, where we've met some great people.  It's nice to find people who are like-minded to talk to and have fun with.  I've also joined a ladies dining group and a ladies book club.  We also have great neighbors, and hope to get to know them better.  Everyone on our street seems super nice, and that is a relief.  There are lots of families here and nice people.  The biggest thing that is hard for me to get used to, is living so far away from everything.  Well, its not far if you drive, but there is nothing nearby to walk to.  I really do miss the hustle and bustle of the city, but I know I'll get used to things out here, in time.  This is after all, our first home, so it will always be special.  And Kitsap county is beautiful.  I'm excited for spring and summer, so we can get out and explore a bit more.

Not much else going on with us, other than working on the house and working on school.  I love that we have so much time to spend together.  I think most couples would get sick and tired of one another, but we love being around each other.  We love sharing our lives and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I love my life, my husband and my home.  I'm excited for what this year might bring!

Depression.

I really don't have much to write about. I'm feeling really depressed tonight. I'm feeling very lonely, and really not motivated to do anything but vent. I hate this schedule that John has to work. I'm thankful for his job, but I do hate the schedule.

I'm worried that I will never be able to have children. I think there is something wrong with my body, but I don't know for sure. We haven't been actively trying to get pregnant, but I've been off of birth control for a year and a half now. My cycle has become increasingly strange since then (sorry if this is all TMI). I have an appointment to see a doctor in two weeks about it, but it's with the community health clinic for poor people, and my experience with those kinds of doctors in the past has been less than helpful. But we'll see.

I hate that practically everyone I know is pregnant right now. Not that I'm not happy for them...I am very happy for them. But I still hate it. I hate that I'm in this state of limbo, not knowing what's going on with my own body, while it seems like the rest of the world has everything figured out.

What do you do when you feel lonely, scared and depressed? What helps you feel better? I have to sit here on my own for another three hours, festering in my imagination. I would love to know what you would do, right now, if you were in my situation.

Life happens NOW.

I remember being about 10 years old and thinking to myself "someday I'll be organized and have a clean room". All through my teen years and my 20s, I told myself "someday I'll be thin". And here I am, 30, almost 31 years old, 20+ lbs overweight, with a disorganized life. Every part of my life is messy. From my emotions, down to the contents of my handbag. But I've finally decided that it's time for a change.

I want to give myself credit, though, even though it's my inclination to dismiss anything good that I do: over the last year, I have lost 30 pounds of excess weight. I've grown a bit more confident, and I'm fitting into clothes that I haven't ever been able to. I've gained some self control with my eating habits, not to mention my lifestyle habits. I like to be active now. I'm sad when I don't get out of the house and breathe fresh air every day. I've also made incredible progress in controlling my emotions. I think that the time spent with my sister living with us helped me quite a bit with that. I know that I can be a strong, capable person when other people's lives are at stake-but now I need to be strong and capable when it comes to my own life.

So it's recently occurred to me, as I've been reflecting on the past 30 years, and looking ahead to the next 30, that I need to make more changes. Scarier changes. More difficult changes.

It's time to purge, I think. We've just recently moved in with my mom, in order to save some money while we try to purchase a home. The bedroom we live in is so cluttered. We've been here for a couple of weeks, and I still have clothes in suitcases, and haven't put things away. It's time to get rid of stuff. Clothes that don't fit or that I don't like are going to Goodwill. Things I don't use are going away. Food I don't eat is getting thrown out.

I'm going to stop spending time on Facebook. The amount of bible verses being thrown around, the prayer requests for ridiculous things, and the general amount of garbage and news that makes me cringe, are just not good for my soul. I'm sorry if this applies to any of you reading this-but my heart just cannot take it anymore. I have to purge people from my friends on Facebook, because I just can't handle reading certain things.

Which brings me to another point: my friends. Since I've been quite vocal about my crisis of faith, and since moving back home from Tennessee, I've barely seen any of my friends. This has a lot to do with my own lack of communication, I realize. I've been sort of apprehensive about calling or hanging out with people, because I feel strange. I feel (and this is probably my own imagination more than what may be reality) that many of my friends don't understand what has been going on with my spiritually. Since my spiritual life was such a huge connection between me and most of my social circles, I've got it in my head that most people just don't want to be my friend anymore. They think I'm some kind of angry atheist, when I'm not. Yes, a lot about Christianity makes me angry, but I don't hate it. I'm not closed to it, and in fact, I'm trying desperately to hang onto any remnants of it that I can.

To be perfectly honest, I'm lonely. I miss having a circle of support. I miss having deep and personal friendships with other ladies. I feel abandoned.

John and I support one another, but neither of us have anyone outside of our marriage to talk to, confide in, or just plain have fun with. How do you make friends when you don't go to church? We have no idea. And it's disheartening.

So, this is my plan to make my 30s better: first thing, is to finally declutter. I think that my environment must come first. Clean up where I'm living, give myself a place to feel comfortable. Also, get rid of the last 20 lbs that I need to lose. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to be 35 or 40 years old and wishing I had just done it when I was 30. Also, find friends or reconnect with old friends who still want to be my friend. If that's you, please don't be shy about calling or writing to me. I'm quite vulnerable (when have I ever not been?) and I'm honestly not really sure how to go about reconnecting. I need help in this area, and in all areas of my life. Just because I'm not a christian anymore doesn't mean I'm not still the same me I've always been.

I'm also going to stop being afraid of my body and my sexuality. I'm learning bellydancing of all things! I've always been afraid of any kind of dancing, any kind of being sexy, because I've always been taught that It's wrong. What a lie! Being sexy is not a sin, whether you are married or single. This is such a scary concept to me, and even writing this is frightening to me, in case any of my parents or basically anyone I know reads it. I've oppressed my sexuality for so long, and it's made me horrifically fearful in so many areas of my life. But I'm DONE. I'm done having some kind of imaginary, outdated, patriarchal standard dictating my life and behavior. I'm finally FREE, or at least taking the first steps to become free.

So here's to a new beginning, a new chapter, where I'm not afraid of my body, my competencies, or my intelligence. Where I finally get things in order and do things I've always wanted to without being afraid. Here's to the me I've always wanted to be, but have been afraid of. If you want to be a part of it, or if you want support in becoming the you you want to be, we can do it together. We'll be fearless together.

Happy New Year!

This year has been a very very full year. A lot of traumatic events took place. Here is the year in review for the Kelly's: 2010.

January: We moved out of the mother-in-law unit we lived in with the Evil Landlord, and into our wonderful, tiny, state-of-the-art apartment in downtown Seattle. It has been so wonderful living here. We love being right in the middle of the city, and being able to walk to the waterfront, Pike Place Market, Westlake Center, the Space Needle, and lower Queen Anne. We are smack in the middle of "happy hour land" and have taken advantage of that as much as we could, which hasn't been as much as we've wanted due to our low budget. But overall, living downtown has been nothing but a really fun, really great experience for us.

February: Nothing really special to report here. It was cold, and I worked a lot. Oh, but I was enrolled in college for the first time ever, which was super fun. I love being in school. I never thought I was college material, because I always thought I was actually kind of dumb and wouldn't be able to catch up. Turns out I'm smarter than I thought I was, and school just sort of comes naturally and easily to me. John also enrolled in some post-BA classes last winter, and he also did great in his classes. But as I'm just getting started with school and he's been in it pretty much his whole life, I think he's not as excited about it as I am.

March: I don't remember much of March, except that we went to the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown, which was fun, because it was only a few blocks away. It's a really fun parade, and pretty similar to the Day After Thanksgiving Day parade, only way less crowded.

April: In April we went to Las Vegas! It was a blast. I got to meet some of John's relatives that I hadn't met before. John's dad tried to teach me how to play Black Jack, and I promptly succeeded in losing about $250 of his own money in the span of about 3 minutes. I was appalled and ashamed and when I told him "I'm so sorry-that's more money than I make in a whole week of work!" he just scoffed at me like it's no big deal. John had a great time in Vegas, too. We met up with several of our friends who live there, ate a ton of food (also I was very proud of myself for not even gaining a pound the whole time-I think it was from all the walking we did), saw a magic show, and of course we watched the fountains at Bellagio a LOT. We are both very, very glad that we made sure to spend extra time with John's dad. At the time, we didn't know that he would be passing away very soon after this, and looking back, we are so glad that we had that time with him.

May: Ah, May. This was a horrible month. There was a bit of an episode with my sister Bonnie, and we kept her at our house for a few days because she was feeling depressed and suicidal. We were about to take her to the hospital on a Wednesday, so that they could evaluate her and figure out what should be done. We were literally on our way out the door, when John got a phone call from his sister, saying that their dad had died. This was probably one of the worst days of my life that I can remember. Anyway, it was amazing how the family just banded together in the midst of such a horrible blow. I am amazed at how the 5 of them (John is the youngest of 5 kids) really didn't grow up together, but they are still such a tight-knit family. They all take care of each other, and their mom, and truly love one another, despite being so hither and thither when they were growing up. Or maybe because of it.

June: In June we had the memorial services for John's dad, and the whole family came out. I think all the aunts and uncles but one were able to make it out here. June was difficult for us, for a few reasons. Losing his father was a very, very difficult thing for John. Also, at the same time as all of this was happening, my eyes decided to get waaaayyy worse. Most of you know I have a very rare condition in my eyes, which causes me to have blind spots. If I don't get treatment for it when I have a flare up, I could lose my vision completely. Well, in the middle of all of the grief for John's dad, I got a flare up. I didn't want to stress John out even more, so I didn't say anything for a few weeks. But then it got so bad that it was nearly taking over my focal point. Up until this month, my left eye was still spot free. Now all of the sudden, I'm not able to drive or anything. Since June I've had 6 or 7 injections in my left eye, and a laser treatment. I have a very difficult time reading, and I can't see well at all in dim light, and I can't drive at night. This has also been a hindrance for us because we were planning on starting to try to get pregnant last summer. However, because of the nature of the treatments I have to get, doctors strongly suggest making sure your eyes are stable for at least 6 months before you try to conceive. This was devastating to me, because I really really want a baby. Now we have to wait for a really long time, because my eyes haven't been consistently stable for quite some time, and there is a possibility that they wont be, which means there is a possibility that we wont be able to have kids at all.

July: We celebrated two years of being blissfully married in July. :D We stayed overnight at a hotel in north Seattle. Basically, we woke up in our apartment in the morning, packed a quick bag, checked into the hotel, and went back to bed. We were super excited about the TV in the room, and watched cartoons. Yeah, we're dorks.

August: John and I both have birthdays in August. He turned 29 on the 9th, and we had some family over. But this year was my 30th. I so much dreaded turning 30. I really wish John could have gone before me. We spent the day at Wild Waves. It was awesome! Then the following weekend, John invited a bunch of people over and made lovely fancy fondue, and we went bowling. It was great. But I still hate the fact that I'm 30. Also this month, my good friend's mother lost her battle with cancer. It was horribly sad, and I think about her almost every day. But the same friend had a baby shortly after, which was very happy.

September: We went to a cabin on Hood Canal for a weekend in September. It belongs to the foster parents that John lived with for a substantial amount of his childhood. It was wonderful to get away. We took the ferry, which was really fun. Also in September, my boss suddenly quit. It's been weird at work since then, because everyone's schedules are weird. This really nice lady who is the head of the board is taking over the director role until we find a new director, and she's doing a great job, but it will be nice when we get someone steady in there.

October: Not much happened in October. Halloween, I guess. I'm kind of drawing a blank.

November: We had a great snowstorm just before Thanksgiving. Also, Bonnie moved in with us. We're helping her get her life together, and she's doing great. I think she just needed the resources, motivation and support. The apartment is a bit crowded, and I know she's getting tired of not having personal space. Which I totally understand, because I had to live on Dad and Heidi's couch for a while when I was not much older than her. But hopefully she will be getting her own place here soon. It's actually kind of nice having her live with us, because she keeps the place clean. Between John's ADD and my work/school schedule, plus our just general laziness, it's nice to have "Cinder-Bonnie" around the house. :D No but really, she is doing fantastic, and she's finally learning how to cope with difficult things. Sometimes she wants to revert to her old ways of doing things, but we just don't let her. Then she calms down, and realizes what the right thing to do is. She is growing up, and she's got a good head on her shoulders. She just needed a bit of the right kind of support.

December: Well, I got super duper sick for like a week and a half before Christmas, and I thought I was going to die. Fortunately it was just a really bad cold, and I didn't have to miss Christmas. Although I did miss the baking with Grandma, the Christmas caroling, the shopping, and general Christmas merriment, because I was busy being sick and feverish with the worst sore throat ever. However, I managed to do some shopping on Christmas Eve morning, and Christmas Eve with my family was really really nice. It was a lot mellower than usual. I'm not sure what was different, but I liked it a lot. Christmas Day morning at my mom's house was a bit strange because Mom and Bonnie still aren't talking. But we managed to get through it. We had dinner with the Kelly side that night, which was nice as usual, but still kind of sad because it was the first Christmas without their dad. BUT two days after Christmas, my little nephew was born, and that was a joyful occasion. Also, John started Graduate School this month, in his psychology program. He's doing great so far.


All in all, there were great things that happened this year (sooo many babies. Way more babies than I wrote about. I think I only mentioned 2 of them, but there were more babies born this year to several of my friends). There were also some really devastating things this year. It has been a very eventful year.

I hope that 2011 is a year of joy, peace, and love, because we really need some more of that in our lives. I also hope for those things for all of my friends and loved ones. Here's to a great new year for us all!

A bit of an addition...

It came to my attention after my last post, in the form of an annoying unknown observer named Joseph, who decided it was OK to come in, insult me, and leave, that some people may have taken some sentiments in the wrong way.

I didn't mean to say or imply in any way that I am closed to any communication about spiritual matters. John and I are both very interested in open minded and heartfelt conversations about religion, philosophy, politics, and just about anything. I love talking about controversial and personal topics. Neither of us have any problems at all with genuine conversations and genuine questions about our beliefs. We don't even have any problems with, and are open to hearing other people's religious convictions.

We *want* community with our family and friends. We *want* open communication and dialogue with all of you. What we *don't* want, is people trying to reconvert us. We don't want people who might have an underlying agenda of "planting a seed", to talk to us about God. If you are genuinely curious about where we are, and want to have an open and honest conversation about God, religion and spirituality, we are all for it. What we don't want is anger, frustration, sadness, pity, bitterness, or anything that would stop you from truly hearing us and understanding us.

We know that a lot of people we love are very concerned for the whereabouts of our souls after we die, and we do not want that to be your main objective in talking to us. I'm sure you all know that we both know very well what the Christian doctrines are, and have both walked with the Lord. This is not a case of never-really-knew or thought-we-were-saved-but-we-didn't-really-know-God. As far as we were concerned, we both loved the Lord with all our hearts, minds, souls, and spirits. If you had asked either of us a few years ago if we ever thought we would not be christians, we would have wholeheartedly said "no!" and I think that those of you who truly know us, know that.

Anyway, again, I didn't mean to imply that we want to cut off communication on the subject. All I meant was to say...please don't try to witness to us. We both have been on the giving end of witnessing for many years, and we can smell it 10 miles away. It isn't what we want, it isn't what we need, and it isn't going to make us believe again.

Love, honesty, compassion and a bit of open mindedness however, just might help us. Also, we both want you all to know that even if you can't hold yourself back and slip into "plant a seed" mode, we will call you out, but we still love you, and we know you can't always help yourselves. We respect that you believe what you believe, and only ask for the same. :D

On the loss of faith and newfound freedom.

Many of my friends and family members have been asking about where I am spiritually. I know it is a confusing thing, my going from missionary girl to whatever I am now. Here is my explanation, and hopefully I can articulate it well enough. This will probably be very long, but it is what it is.

Much of this has to do with John and his journey, and since we are married, our journeys are nearly the same. He and I have many differences; he is logical and I am intuitive, and this is our main difference. But most of the time, it's almost as if we share one mind, one heart. I don't know if most marriages are like that...I think that most people need their personal space from each other, but for us, we are so much better together.

Just to clarify, this did not happen because I was angry at God, or because I wanted something he wouldn't give me or anything ridiculous like that. It happened because my husband and I were seeking Truth. We wanted so desperately to know God, really know him and serve him.

Basically, John had just graduated with his BA in bible and christian ministry or something like that. I don't remember exactly what the degree was. But when he was in his undergrad, he decided to go outside of the bible, and outside of the classroom. He wanted to take on Truth head on. He read counter biblical arguments, biblical criticisms, and the like, because he wanted to know what he was up against. He had firm faith that God and his scriptures were fully Truth, so he held nothing back in his studies. Needless to say, the arguments and proof that he found were difficult to explain away. He continued to have hope, he continued to trust that God would reveal the truth about certain issues, especially when he went to seminary.

We moved to Tennessee so he could go to seminary. I was a little worried about his crisis of faith, but we both had a LOT of hope that things would get cleared up in seminary. John was still trusting the Lord and praying daily with me.

Then one day, it was too much. After coming home from an Old Testament class, he was telling me that he just wasn't able to believe any of it. There was too much evidence against what the bible was saying. Certain stories like the walls of Jericho, couldn't possibly have happened. It just was not possible. There was archeological evidence to the contrary. And if something as amazing as an entire city wall was to just collapse, there would be evidence. And there isn't. So if there are a few things in the bible that aren't true, how do we know if any of it is?

There was a lot of other stuff too, but that is the one part I specifically remember. At first when he told me this devastating news, I was so scared. I had just married and moved across the country with him. We had plans of starting a church and serving together in ministry. What would I do with a husband who was an unbeliever? Had I committed a great sin and married the wrong person? I loved him dearly, but if he is not a christian, how can we be married? I was afraid for my future, and for him. I didn't know what to do. And one night when we were talking in bed, he was in tears over the whole thing. He explained to me that this wasn't his choice. He didn't want to lose his faith. He loved God with his whole heart and only wanted to serve him. But how could he continue serving a God that may or may not be there? Yes, maybe there is a God. But he couldn't trust in the bible. So what could he trust in? Tradition? Sort of, but tradition has some shady things in it's past that you can't firmly trust in. Personal experience? He had had very intimate personal experiences with God...but many people of many faiths, and even within Christianity have had personal experiences with God, and most of them are completely opposite from each other.

It was a huge blow. Here he was, more frightened than he'd ever been, because he'd never been without God. And here I was, just as frightened. Then it occurred to me: maybe my purpose wasn't to be a minister or teacher or missionary or all the things I had wanted to do. Maybe my purpose was to be strong for my husband who would need to count on my faith to get him through this trial. It wasn't my job to worry or complain. It was my job to love him through this.

So I did, the best I could. However, gradually and eventually, I began to change my beliefs as well. Mainly it came in the form of strange biblical passages and learning more about the ancient religions. Did you know that the ancient Hebrews were polytheistic? And that there is a council of gods in the bible? When God appeared to Moses, he told him that he was Yahweh, but that to someone else(his brother or father? I can't quite remember the story just now) he was known as El. It seemed to me that God appeared as different gods. It made me wonder.

Then, what really really did it, was a Chick Tract. It's sort of ironic that something meant to bring people into the Kingdom was actually the final undoing of my hope in Christianity. Anyway, there was this one about Adam and Eve, and Eve sinned. When they sinned, God starting building this brick wall. He hid himself inside this brick cave that he built. He would let some people in, and others were crying standing outside wanting to come in, but God turned away from them. This stunned me. Maybe it was just seeing it illustrated, having the visual for the story. But I just remember thinking how could God be so petty? I realize the doctrinal beliefs about sin and I totally understand the christian thinking behind it. But after seeing that...I just can't believe it anymore. There are so many people in this world who LIVE the fruit of the spirit daily, but who have never heard the name of Jesus before. How can God turn them away because of things that are totally beyond their control?

The thing is, I never really believed that he did. If you have ever read the Chronicles of Narnia, you will know this story: In "The Last Battle", there was a soldier who was fighting for the enemy, the god Tash. He had died and gone on to heaven. Aslan appeared to him. The soldier said something like "How can you take me in? All I've ever done in my life was for Tash. I am a traitor and your enemy" and Aslan replied something like "Although you have done things that you thought were for Tash, they were really for me. Everything you have done was with a pure and loving heart. Tash is not able to receive love or service from a loving and pure heart, just as I am not able to receive from someone with ill motives." That's not exact text, just my paraphrasing.

So I have always had this belief. I have always concluded that God's mercies are beyond our understanding, and that he will judge hearts not by the person's confession of Jesus, but by their motives and understanding.

This, combined with the knowledge of the ancient polytheism, has led me to believe that perhaps, when Jesus came to earth, he came to show us the Father. I think that people for so long had tried to find God. They were polytheistic, creating their own deities. They perhaps knew about God but didn't know what he was like. I think that Jesus may have been God's way of going "You've got it all wrong, guys. *This* is what I am like." Jesus showed us the heart of God. He showed us how to love and be kind, how to be considerate and forgiving. He showed us how to have good relationships and how we can serve God.

But I do not think that a person must know Jesus in order to know God. If a person knows God, then they know God, regardless of knowing the name of Jesus. I realize that this contradicts foundational doctrines about salvation and redemption. But I cannot believe those doctrines anymore. I just can't.

Now, I believe this, but none of my beliefs are set in stone. I will never really know until I die (assuming there is an afterlife, I don't know). But for now, this is something that I can believe in.

I know that some people are scared of what will become of John and I. But please don't be. I am at peace with where we are. In fact, I have so much more freedom, understanding, love and peace now than I ever had as a Christian. I don't have to be scared that I'm ruining God's plan for my life or that I'm hearing him wrong. That is actually a huuuuuge relief! I never really heard God speak to me, and I was always worried that I was doing something wrong. I also have so much freedom to love. I can love people and understand who they are and where they come from without this underlying need to "plant a seed" or "be a witness". My relationships are so much more transparent and non judgmental now. John still worries about death and the afterlife, but me....I have days when I believe and days when I don't. But I figure that if God exists, and if he is loving, then he will receive us because we only did this because we wanted to know him more. We are seeking Truth still, and we always will be.

But please know that neither of us can ever EVER be christians again, at least not the way we were. I cannot believe in biblical inerrancy. I cannot believe in one-way-to-God. But please, please do not be afraid for me. If you believe in God, then trust him to guide us, and leave it at that. Please do not try to reconvert us, because it wont happen.

We just need you to love us and accept us how we are. That is the main thing I have learned from all this. Just love people and accept them how they are. It is such a peaceful way to live.